The good, the bad, and the in-between

I’ve been taking it easy, trying to slow down, relax, and figure out what makes me tick, vs. what turns me into a bomb.

Right now, I am positively bored out of my skull and my brain is actively gnawing on itself to keep occupied. This is an odd sensation, but one that I must confront and deal with, because life isn’t all about “The Next Thing.” It’s about living now. If I spend the rest of my life shooting for these goals of making X dollars per year, buying a house, having 2.3 children and a white picket fence, sure, that’s grand and all, but it’s not going to make me happy in the long run. Why am I so pessimistic on this one? I am 1.5 years post-grad in a college town that’s saturated with BA’s, and though I work damn near a 40 hour work week, it’s not in my career field, and, and, and, I guess that I just assumed when I got out of college, life would be better. I would make more money being a degreed individual, and I would make ends meet on a regular basis.

Hello, Reality.

Reality is something different. It’s been something that I’ve had to come face-to-face with over this past year and a half, and I’ve narrowed things down to a few basic ideas: Living for the future is great, but now is what’s important. It’s okay to have goals and strive for them, but losing myself in the process deflates these highs of achievement pretty quickly. I’ll achieve a large goal, say finish college or get promoted, and once the high of getting what I shot for wears off, I’m left with a gnawing, empty void. A gnawing, empty void that I’ve filled desperately in the past with 100 extracurricular activities, all in the name of “When I get X, I’ll have life on Easy Street, and I’ll be able to relax and have fun!” The truth of the matter is, I don’t relax. I haven’t “just relaxed” for awhile, unless my brain has forced me to do so in the form of a screaming, crying mess. I don’t know how to just relax, and the sad part is that I don’t know how to “just relax” and be happy while doing so. Hell, I don’t even know how to be happy at this point, but I sure as hell am trying!

I’ve really had to force my efforts inward, and what I’ve found is kind of disturbing. I’ve had to deal with these issues, behaviors, thoughts, and patterns and face them head-on. I am trying to figure out how to manage my illnesses and come out on top. I am taking an active stand against these crappy patterns and behaviors, and standing up for my right to be a happy, healthy, and functional individual.

Last night, I had to physically force my obsessions out of my head. I imagined a bulldozer clearing away the imaginary dirt, germs, bugs, and cat hair in order to give my brain a clean slate to work with. It took quite a bit of physical and mental effort to do this. But y’know what? It’s me taking a stand against these relentless obsessions and negativity in my life in the name of something better. It is a Herculean battle that I wage, but I’m stepping it up. I’m winning.

Part of winning is recognizing how bored my brain actually gets, and what the hell to do about it. What I’m going to do about it is something that I’m actively working on, day in and day out. I’m really trying to find the balance of what’s too much activity and what’s not enough. Obviously, I can’t constantly be burning the candle on both ends. That never works, and it always leads to a breakdown. I’m pretty well working full-time at the coffee shop, and that suits me just fine for the moment. I would prefer a little more income, but using that as my overriding motivation for EVERYTHING doesn’t really work, either.

When I do finally find the balance of mental health and wellness, I’ll be sure to let the world know. That will be the day that David kicks the shit out of Goliath.

Tick tick tick tick tick…

…That is the sound of my biological clock drumming in my ears that deafening drum that only happens when biological countdown begins. I never thought that I would see the day. I was honestly just fine in the world without having to think about such things as procreating and feeling this urge to procreate. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT?!

…The *really* funny thing is that this thing hit all of the sudden. I was doing just fine in my dark little child-hating universe (okay, I didn’t actually hate kids, I just didn’t relish the thought of a screaming poop machine taking up my valuable time working at a coffee shop, tending an internet addiction, and playing video games, that’s all. Talk about a cramp in my style!) and last October over the course of about two days, I found myself full-force pedal-to-the-metal READY to have a baby. RIGHT NOW. As it turns out, that was a likely birth control failure (DON’T FORGET TO TAKE YOUR PILLS!!!!!!), and then subsequent miscarriage in November. Since then, I’ve realized something that a lot of parents out there realize, and despite the nasty looks from us young ‘uns that don’t know any better about life in general, that children are generally okay! In fact, they are a wonderful blessing, and can be the light of life!

So I had that miscarriage. One of the most painful losses ever, even if it was so early on. And I had to spend the next six or seven months trying to piece together and put into perspective my life as a whole and what it means to me. That’s extensive even for me to go into great detail about, but the basic thing is that I’m just interested in a peaceful, happy existence. If that takes medication to do it (it does), then so be it. I’ve got some fucked up brain chemistry, nothing more. I never learned the skills to properly cope with life. And it just plain is what it is.

On the other hand, I’m only 26 and I’ve had a decade-long running start on getting to this point in my life. Why? Because my parents care for me deeply. There have been some bumps along the way, including a family history if mental illness and disease, but generally, my parents are two kind, caring, loving individuals that I would literally give my life for. My parents love me so much that when they finally heard my cries for help they took me straight to the hospital. My dad left his job in Florida THAT DAY to drive home and help me. He went on family leave and they later axed him, but the important thing was that my dad came home. Just for me. They have always been there for me, and it counts. It is because of them I am where I am today, and I have reached the turning point in my battle.

It took me a long time to see that. It took me a long time to drain the poison from my soul so I could see beyond the shroud of despair. When one is in the thick of the storm, it’s hard to see around it. And I’ve spent a lot of time in the thick of it, or running from it. Trying to avoid it by keeping myself so busy that I didn’t have to think about it. Throwing myself at too many activities at any one given time so I didn’t have to slow down and think about all of the pain that has been wrought in my life.

I have learned a lot getting to this point, but I feel that there is much more to learn. As I seriously think about how to wrap my head around this idea about being responsible for another human being, I am just thankful that I am being treated for my illness, and I am working through my issues. I am also thankful to be surrounded by people who love me, even if they’ve got interesting ways of showing it.

ALL of this has cleared the way in my brain to listen to the pleasant and rhythmic ticking of my biological clock. It’s not a bad thing. It just is, and that’s okay. How I’ll actually handle the nine months of hell and then the rest of my life being responsible for another human being is beyond me. My hope is that since I’ve been given this head start of taking care of myself and my issues, it will be easier to be a parent, and much easier to lead by example than it would have been had I bore children earlier in life.