((See above for an updated version))

Actually, in middle school (1985-88), I didn’t really know about lesbianism. I heard about AIDS and asked my sister what it was and she said “It’s what gay guys get when they screw each other,” and so that was my entire knowledge of homosexuality for several years. So when I felt my heart flutter when this girl sat on my lap jokingly, or had a strange butterfly-inducing dream where two girls from my class were kissing each other, I more dismissed it out of not-knowing-what-to-make-of-it versus internalized homophobia.

One thing I will say about people who are bi–in general (and in my own limited experience) they have fewer preconceptions about how people of any group should act. I think it’s because we have no cohesive-seeming group of bisexuals trying to dictate how we act–we don’t tend to separate off from gay or straight people since some of each group is datable for us (or at least crush-on-able). Of course there are many straight and gay people who don’t think like their majority is perceived to think, but since their “groups” have loud, defined identities, their gray-area thinking gets lost in the shuffle. On the other hand, bi’s seem to congregate much more rarely. And even though it means there’s not as much of a group or identity for us to proudly claim allegiance to when we come out, I like that it means our identities don’t get washed away in favor of a fictionally homogenous, simplified stereotype.

The one stereotype–you’re right about this–is that bi’s are more into threesomes than straight or gay people. I sometimes feel bad that I’m bi and into threesomes, because I feel this perpetuates a stereotype that simply isn’t true. Go onto any polyamory site and you’ll find the ruefully humorous terms “unicorn” or “HBB”–both refer to “hot bi babes,” who are rare in a sea of straight (with a sometimes bi-leaning but often just accomodating female member) couples. Just as the majority of people are straight, the majority of polyamorous and/or swinging people are straight, too–but engineering a threesome is just a bit difficult to imagine unless some bi’s are thrown into the mix. (Which is just a lack of imagination on the part of non-threesome-y people; when three straight people do a threesome they simply avoid full-on sexual contact between the two same-sex people, though said people must generally be mellow about inevitable chance skin contact.)

Sorry for going on so long, but your post just provoked a lot of different random thoughts for me!

My mind has a tendency to race pretty hard at night, asleep or not. I used to not have so much trouble falling asleep-mainly because I was exhausted from working so damn much, sleep was a welcome retreat. Now that I’m not working insanely, (or insanely working), my brain ate its own OFF switch. And yes, my mind goes in the same places yours does. Time ten. Geesh. Once I start dreaming about my obsessions, it’s time to cut that shit out. That’s what I’m doing.

TV used to work rather well for me. It would knock me out in 30 seconds, whatever I was watching. My brain is just TOO AWAKE AT ANYTHING I DO for that to work anymore. I needed another solution. The mind-clearing is working rather well for me. I’m doing it now every time I go to sleep, and it’s GREAT! I CAN SLEEP! SOLIDLY! And feel rested. What? Yeah, that was interesting. If I don’t “clear my brain”, my mind doesn’t rest. I have bright, vivid, and NOISY dreams. I wake up exhausted. Now I can feel solid on a few hours of sleep, or eight hours of sleep. It’s G.R.E.A.T.!!!

I’ve discovered the cure, and I kind of feel silly saying it, but we have a DVD player on a timer, set to go off an hour later. I put on “Columbo” episodes when I get into bed and it knocks me out within half an hour. Other things work OK, like reading, watching TV; anything that distracts my brain enough from going into its downward spiral, but Columbo is so self-assured and good, he makes me relax sooner than anything else. He will figure things out and make sure justice happens, so I can go to sleep.

Kafkaesque… I will admit that send me rushing to Google. …And I will take that as a compliment. Hee hee.