Vocabulary Vixen

December 10, 2008

In all my glory…

I have decided that I am going to continue this blogging business. Even if nobody out there reads it. It is not a burning desire to become the fate of many blogs: to be created via a spur of half-drunken, sleepy inspiration, post a few times, and then fade into oblivion. My little flame will always be here, and it will always grow. Why? Because I have things to talk about. I am a natural communicator and artist, and this is my medium. One of them, anyway.

I have recently been through a whirlwind of BS, and I’m making the conscious effort to share this wonder and tragedy with the world. I had wanted to keep it quiet, keep it secret and safe until I knew for sure what was going on and that everything was happy and healthy. What happened?

I’m 26 years old. I’ve got a Bachelor’s degree from a large state university, and because of many factors (the economy, etc), it’s been difficult to find a job in said degree field (graphic design). So I work at a coffee shop. I also run my own business. And, I’m a freelance graphic designer. Between the three, I scrape together enough for the bills every month, and not a whole lot more. It has been my conscious decision since I was was very young that I would follow in my own mother’s footsteps and think about having children at 30 years old or so. She was 30 when she had me, 34 when she had my brother, and I always found that to be just fine, and I’d have no problem whatsoever following in her footsteps.

I’ve been on birth control for years now, because I knew that I’ve had no business even thinking about bringing a child into the world in my financial situation, and my general mental malaise and upset. This has been absolutely fine by me, and I had an agreement with my body: I control the cycle. I control when I menstruate, and I will control when I get pregnant and have kids. That being said, I am also very, incredibly staunchly pro-choice. I have been pro-choice for as long as I can remember, and I am eternally supportive of ANYBODY in the situation of an unplanned, unexpected pregnancy and would like one to view and assess their options completely, without fear of retribution or prejudice. It happens. Before I get a written tirade of how evil and awful I am, be warned that ANY such tirades WILL be deleted without question. I am here as a voice, and I am here for open, honest, caring discussion. I am NOT here for a lecture about my opinions or beliefs and how wrong they are. They’re not. And there are millions who share and support my views.

I’ve been on the pill for years without incident. Last October, I missed a pill. I’d missed pills in the past without incident, and just generally abstained from intercourse until the next cycle. It has not been my desire to get pregnant in the least. Something changed. Something changed within me that is wholly and utterly indescribable. My mood and psyche shifted dramatically for the better in a very, very short period of time. I went from being absolutely flat-out against the idea of having a child, to “This could be wonderful”, in a matter of days. Something shifted in my mind and body, and did so for no apparent reason. I became giddy and glowing, and just an utterly goofy, happy, giddy emotional basket-case. I had a constant case of the giggles, and my mood was set to “Great!”. Then, my boobs grew. Or, stayed grown. Usually before my period they swell, and then once the period starts, they shrink back down. They didn’t go back down. In fact, they continued growing until I’d outgrown my bras, but still had to wear them anyway because I can’t afford new ones. I knew something was up. I took a pregnancy test. Negative. I did it a few days later. Still negative.

I must have blown through 30 tests in a matter of a few weeks. (I found a nice little website that sells them for cheap, really cheap for people “TTC” – Trying To Conceive. Spending $9.00 for two tests is absolutely ridiculous.) It took awhile, but the day before Thanksgiving, I finally got a positive result. It was faint. I had to really look at the strip, but I finally got a positive result. Confirmation. Confirmation on what I’d known all along: I was pregnant. I was pregnant, and actually okay with the idea. I was happy, and couldn’t be happier at the thought. Crazy hormones.

In this time, I’d found that the need for my normal three-drug cocktail of Lexapro, fluoxetine, and methylphenidate was not there. I was able to go off of my meds and still be in a GREAT mood. I did so for a month, and had a giddy sense of existence. It made me happy that I was harboring a special bond between myself and the little one inside. The fact that I’d gain weight? Irrelevant if it meant that the little one could be healthy and safe. As soon as I suspected pregnancy and knew in my heart of hearts that that is what was going on, despite the repeated negative tests, I bought prenatal vitamins and folic acid. I quit drinking caffeine completely. I ate a healthy, balanced diet, and stayed hydrated the best I could. My priorities shifted dramatically in a very short period of time. Unbeknownst to myself, I found myself ready to embark on this adventure. There was nothing scary about it. It just was. And I was going to roll with it.

Thanksgiving was stressful. I had the in-laws over, as well as my parents and brother. I told my mom. She reacted better than I ever imagined she would, and I cannot thank her enough for her support. My CM had dried up the day before, but I didn’t really pay attention to it, as I was busy and had a lot to do! I spotted a tiny, tiny bit on Thanksgiving, but again, paid it no mind. I’d had a “withdrawal bleed” from going off of the pill a few weeks before, and I still had all of the symptoms, so I thought I was still okay. The day after Thanksgiving, I started bleeding a little, but figured that everything should still be okay. It didn’t stop. My mood deflated like a balloon, along with my boobs. I knew right then and there that something was wrong.

I let it bleed, and tried to manage things the best I could. I did pretty well for a good four or five days while the “feel good” hormones were still in my body. I had a very positive attitude that this whole experience has shown me that I’m ready for this adventure in my life, and that this one wasn’t the right one. It did not hit until last Wednesday. It’s absolutely and utterly tragic to lose a baby, whether the pregnancy was expected or not. No longer will I have a wonderful little surprise in nine months to greet me. No longer am I nurturing and growing this amazing, magical, and wonderful thing inside. I am barren and empty. Cold and dark. I’ve cried every day since the miscarriage, and the tragedy of it all is just horrible. I’m back to normal. Same, shitty normal. I’ve done my best to keep my mood stable without drugs. I hope that I can continue (without meds), but I’m making no promises to myself.

Tomorrow, I go to the gynecologist to make sure that everything is okay “down there”, and that it’s okay to try again soon. This whole experience has been amazing. Tragic, but amazing. It has shown me things that I could not even fathom possible for me in my life right now. It’s been quite the experience to show me that now is the time in my life to procreate. I’d originally planned on waiting four more years, but the instinct is kicking in, letting me know that now is indeed the time. Funny, before ALL of this, I’d been wondering about getting my tubes tied and just never dealing with kids period. I guess that this was my body’s way of saying “NOT SO FAST!!!” We live and we learn.

One thing that I do know now is that it’s time. The money is coming together, and it will very quickly here. I’m ready emotionally and mentally now for this. Hopefully, all goes well in the future.



  1. I feel for you. I had my first child when I was 38 years old. I got married at 33 years old and we tried for five years with no success. I too took birth control for a very long time and knew the havoc it was creating in my body and stopped. I also suffer from depression and was taking medication to control that as well. We looked into different alternatives to conceive. We were successful the first time and much to our surprise I was pregnant with twins. To make a long story short, my son’s brother stopped growing at 18 weeks. The doctors told us to wait to see if he would grow. He never did. Things were getting worse. We had to make a decision that no parent should face which I can’t discuss here. Although I lost one son we were able to save my son Christopher who will be 7 years in Feb. God takes and gives for reasons. When Christopher was three years old I promised him I was going to give him a brother or a sister. I also made the commitment that I would give it 6 months trying naturally before I looked into other alternatives at this point I was 41 years old. Much to my surprise I got pregnant naturally and gave my son the gift of a sister named Mia. Mia is now 3 1/2 years old and my life is finally complete at 45 years old. You have to believe god gives us things we can handle and now was not the right time for you. However, when the time is right everything will fall in place and you will have an unbelieveable pregnancy.
    As for your health, I suffer from depression and started to look into health and wellness for me as well as my kids. A nutritional suppliment was introduced to me and has done wonders for us. When you feed your body complete nutrition you will be surprised what it can do.
    I would love to speak with you further if interested.

    Comment by lovemykids2 — December 10, 2008 @ 9:26 PM | Reply

  2. Thank you for sharing. I’m almost 35 and planning to go off birth control next year, for the first time, to try and get pregnant. I’m trying to gear myself up for all the possible outcomes. I never wanted kids until recently, but when it hits you, it hits you and it’s an irresistible pull…

    Comment by teambaby — December 10, 2008 @ 10:20 PM | Reply

  3. I understand. I never wanted kids and thank god everyday for waking me up. I love when my son hugs me and my daughter says “I love you”. There is no other higher love and am thankful everyday for being blessed with two beautiful children.
    You need to start taking a prenatal to get your body ready. The nutrition suppliment I mentioned to you will help your whole body, state and mind. With my son I had to go off of my medication but with my daughter I had to take it. There are issues with my daughter today and that is why she is on the suppliment. If you take care of yourself you will have a wonderful pregnancy and a beautiful child. Do not gear up for the worst gear up for the best is yet to come!!!
    Let me know if you would like to discuss more.

    Comment by lovemykids2 — December 10, 2008 @ 10:44 PM | Reply

  4. Nancy, thank you so much for your kind words and your own story. It’s a strange experience, that is for sure. I’ve just got the feeling that I’m done with birth control at the moment.

    teambaby, it hit me like a sack of bricks. It hit me over a matter of days, and indeed the pull is irresistible. I’m going to the gynecologist tomorrow for the sole purpose of making sure that everything is okay, and that I can try again soon. This time, I’ll have the element of knowledge on my side, for sure! 9 weeks ago, that thought couldn’t have been further from my mind. Now, my mind, body, and soul are all saying: “NOW!” It’s been interesting, for sure.

    Nancy, on the note of nutrition and mental health: I’m on prenatal vitamins, folic acid, Fish Oil, vitamin C, a vitamin B-100 complex, and a calcium supplement. My diet is not the best, as it can get very difficult to stay healthy and balanced on an odd schedule and limited funding. I’m doing my best, though, to keep my body nourished and taken care of. Today, I drank a little caffeine, but it was in the form of a delicious Yerba Mate tea. šŸ˜‰ It is indeed interesting that I was able to go off of all meds for over a month, and I am still off of the meds. Perhaps there were twins and one is still cookin’? I have felt the pull to NOT drink alcohol, be near smoke (I’m asthmatic, so that’s a no-brainer anyway), or drink copious amounts of caffeine to deal with the stress and depression associated with this situation. I’ll find out for sure tomorrow. As long as everything is okay “down there”, I’ll be fine. Pregnant right now or not, as long as everything is okay. I am indeed geared up for the best. šŸ˜‰

    I’ll keep you guys updated and post what I know when I know it!

    Comment by zedda — December 11, 2008 @ 2:22 AM | Reply

  5. I have learned quite a bit about vitamins, suppliments and nutrition since starting on Reliv. I am by no means an expert, doctor etc. but I do know if you take a complete nutritional suppliment daily you will be helping your whole body and that baby you are planning on having. If you don’t mind me asking, how much do you think you spend monthly on your vitamins? I don’t know if you know this as I did not know vitamins and suppliments that come in capsules or pill form take long to break down and absorb into your body. When it does break down, you are only getting 20% of the vitamin and suppliment if you are even getting that. I have asthma as well and before taking Reliv I was always on my inhalers. I have/had severe joint pain but can say it is under control because of Reliv. Your diet will play an important role in your pregnancy. I too was a horrible eater with both of my kids. I had gestational diabetes with my daughter and let me tell you, putting a pregnant woman on a diet is insane. I had to test my blood sugar four times a day and it was not fun. When my blood sugar was up I really had to watch what I was going to eat for my next meal. I would love to introduce you to some moms who used Reliv for their prenatal and for their vitamin suppliment. What you do with the informtaion from there is up to you. I just want to let everyone know you can get complete nutrition into your system right away by using products that are either in liquid form or powder.
    I wish you the best of luck and if I can be of any help, please let me know.
    One more thing, I think the winter triggers the desire to have kids. A woman knocked at my door tonight and I invited her in. She saw my two kids and said “I have something pulling at me telling me it is time for me to have kids”. I thought of you and said…. it has to be in the air!!!!

    Comment by lovemykids2 — December 12, 2008 @ 1:47 AM | Reply

    • Awesome! Thank you!

      Comment by VocabularyV — January 7, 2009 @ 4:29 AM | Reply

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