Vocabulary Vixen

June 17, 2009

In Search of Sanity

Filed under: Reflections — VocabularyV @ 12:27 PM
Tags: , , , , ,

Oooh, yeah. That’s a tricky subject to traverse. Some days, it’s like walking a tightrope. Others, it’s an easy stride.

So what exactly is this thing called sanity? I know what it isn’t. It isn’t having to fight myself and bring myself back from the depths of darkness. And what, exactly, is the price that I have to pay for it? I don’t really want my creativity to cease completely for it. I want to be more than barely functional. So, I play the careful dance of figuring out how exactly to balance the medication so that I can function at this higher level, and I can do so without completely losing it at a moment’s notice.

I figured out the cause of my most recent meltdown. A cause that I was not anticipating for at least another 5 days or so. I love it when my period shows up early. It throws me off. Especially the whole GOING BAT-SHIT INSANE on a dime thing. I noticed today that throughout the course of my shift at the coffee shop, I was feeling better and better. Needless to say, I was happy about this. A little confused, yes, but still happy. When I went to the bathroom, lo and behold! My period started! A BIG GIGANTIC A-HA! THAT’S WHY I WENT CRAZY!! WOHOOOOOOOOOO!!! Now that I’m back to being a normally functioning human being, I can reflect back and easily say that “Oh yeah, duh. That whole psycho-hormonal bit.” Yeah, this is why I’ve got SPECIAL MEDICATION during this time. The thing is, I’d sort of been off my meds (bad, bad thing, but I was feeling pretty good overall), and then PFFLOONK! I’m down in the tenth level of hell with no prior notice. I’m talking screaming, crying hysterically, my-head-is-rotating-and-spewing-pea-soup crazy.

These things fly at me sometimes without even a moment’s notice. And it sucks. It blows fainting pygmy goats. I have been able to recover, but only today, 5 days after the original incident, do I feel like an actual human being. I’ve had to put a screeching halt on *everything* I was doing (aside from the coffee shop), and just go into quasi-functional mode and hope for the best. This is when I get sidelined by a little condition called “PMDD”. I’ve mentioned it before, and it has been the source of some very, very nasty going-ons. I see now that it’s just completely weird hormonal flux that has a sudden and extremely adverse effect on my mood. But when I’m in the moment, I can’t differentiate between reality and my warped version of reality.

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