Vocabulary Vixen

June 22, 2009

Nuclear-Free Zone

Filed under: Reflections — VocabularyV @ 10:15 PM

…Ha ha, yeah, right. I’m keeping the blast radius contained, at least.

I’ve been in slow and steady descent for two weeks now, and it’s kind of sucked. I think that there is a faint glimmer of hope, somewhere. But wow, it’s been difficult. Things are getting a little easier, but I came to a lightning-flash realization today: It’s Time to Leave My Job. I’ve worked at, and loved this coffee shop for two years, but it’s going to be time to move on soon. I just wish I could do it right away like my coworker that just put his two weeks notice. It gives me some time to sit down and sort things out for a minute before I do anything rash.

I came to this realization today not only as he told me that he put his two weeks in this morning, but as I was doing my best to quell the anxiety attack in action on this oh-so-cool midwest summer day. So cool, in fact, that the ONLY way I could have sat outside was naked, in the shade, and lying in the grass. Obviously, that’s a no-go. So, I’ve been hiding in the air-conditioning when possible.

I also realized (especially last week) that my issues are too big to fit inside one therapy appointment per week. That one kind of slapped me in the face, but after a few weeks of going to therapy, and being thoroughly miserable and NEEDING somebody else to talk to later on in the week, I took the bull by the horns and scheduled another appointment. I call it “extra maintenance” to ensure avoidance of a complete and utter nervous breakdown. I’ve had the complete nervous breakdowns. I’ve had the utter nervous breakdowns. The combination of the both: “complete and utter” WILL land me in the hospital. At 26 years old, I’ve managed to stay out, but it’s been fucking rough. Especially over the past year when I’ve met more heartache than my heart could possibly hold. It’s been a whirlwind of a year and a half, and while there’s been lots of good, there’s been an unruly amount of bad. Some days, I wonder how I made it this far and how much farther I’ll make it before I’ve completely lost it.

Mental illness of any sort blows fainting pygmy goats. I’ve said this before, and I will probably say it many times before I die. I will probably be old with grandchildren, and I will tell them this very thing. Some days are a lot tougher than others, and it takes a lot of good to drown out the little bad that seeps in and poisons everything. I wish I could take a month-long hiatus from life to sit down, sort myself out, and regroup. I am not able to do that because there are a lot of bills that need to be paid. My dear and wonderful loving husband drives a bus for the college right now, and while it covers the bills, it doesn’t cover much else. It really just covers his half of the bills. I am not expecting a lot from life. Life hasn’t  given me a whole lot to go on but a loving family and some good guidelines to follow (avoid playing too heavily with fire, be careful of the highly-addictive substances and behaviors. Except the internet. You can quit any time). I guess that that’s all I can ask for. That, and can I get some new brain chemistry? One that doesn’t require a sanity-jolt every day?

There’s a glimmer of hope. I saw it, over there! I’ll walk toward it for now and see where that leads me.


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