Vocabulary Vixen

July 15, 2009

What lies beneath?

Filed under: Mental Health — VocabularyV @ 6:39 PM

In this harrowing and hellish journey toward self-discovery, I have discovered something that is startling, disconcerting, and just sort of bothers me overall. During my multi-year stint of racing pell-mell to stay on top of things, I have forgotten one very important thing in the whole process. And I have just realized what it was.

…Fun

What the heck is it, and how do I do it? I remember good times, happy times even, but just sitting down and focusing on “Having Fun” has been something that has not been included in my personal encyclopedia for so long that I’ve simply forgotten what the heck it is. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t really know what it’s like.

That saddens me to a degree. That’s part of the equation of mental wellness, and I’ve been missing that chunk for a long, long time. And, despite ALL of my hard work over the past year and ALL of the self-discoveries that I’ve made, I’m still missing something. And that something is key to my happiness and stability. I’ve done fun things, sure, but I don’t really know what it’s all about anymore: fun on a regular basis. I have discovered three activities that I enjoy: Reading, Writing, and Drawing. So I suppose that those are all fun for me. But, I can only do these between work, husband, and mood swings, which can be rough.

I had quite the mood swing this morning. Whether this was due to crazy hormones, body chemistry in general, or triggered by a conversation that my husband had with me last night, is unknown. I’m glad that he came to talk to me about what was bugging him, that was something very important. It’s much more important and useful to me if somebody TELLS ME what’s going on, and if I’m doing something that’s bugging them or bothering them, to LET ME KNOW, that way I’m not blindly spinning off into oblivion alone. I need guidance in life, and I need guidance from those around me. I need to know what people are feeling, and if there is something that I’m doing that needs to be brought to my attention. Otherwise, I will continue on my own path, and just assume that I’m alone. That being said, I don’t want to be criticized, hounded, or nagged on. My husband did a very good job of not doing any of that last night, and although what he was bringing to my attention stung a little, the sting was much less than the normal route of doing things.
And, we avoided a screaming match. Yippee.

My issues are long, dark, and extensive. I am not kidding when I tell people that I carry an entire 20-piece luggage set. I’m working on it, but it’s taking time, and it’s going to take more time and a lot more patience to work through. Yes, they are difficult to deal with. And if J (my husband) feels at any time that this is too much for him, he is welcome to leave. I am not forcing him to stay by any means, and I would not blame him if he left. He would not be the first to abandon me because of my baggage. In fact, I am very surprised that he has stuck it out this long with me, and STILL decided to marry me. He is not required to stay, and I’ve made that clear on many occasions.

I would be devastated if he left. I would be heartbroken and lost, more lost than I am now in life. But I would not blame him.

The truth of the matter is about this “Fun” thing is that I’ve completely and utterly forgotten how and what to do for fun. I get up at an ungodly hour every morning, go to work, come home, futz around on the internet until he wakes up and/or I go to therapy, I come home, make dinner, and then he’s off to work. I think that part of the problem is my job situation. I *LOVE* my job at the coffee shop. I’ve stuck it out for two years straight, and I even got TWO promotions (FINALLY!) in a very short period of time!! But here’s the thing: I’m not using my creative talents and intelligence to their fullest capability, and it’s really bothering me. And I’ve started to feel like I’m never going to be able to, so why bother?

That’s what lies beneath.

So what does my husband do to me today? What new and awful, mundanely boring request has he made? It’s simple: Do something FUN once a day for 20 days.

Whoa. What?

Okay, I suppose it’s off to do something fun… I guess? What exactly that will be… I don’t know! I’ll be sure to blog about it, though! 🙂

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