Vocabulary Vixen

July 28, 2009

That made all the difference

I have been so amazingly relaxed today. Just, chill. And I’m enjoying it. I did, in fact, sleep like a baby last night. I slept wonderfully, even if for only five or six hours. I woke up feeling relaxed, but awake. With it, and not overwhelmed by the Anxious Monster. I took my shift by my bare hands and twirled it around my head.

*THIS* is the balance and harmony that I was trying so desperately to restore. I was losing it, I really was. My sense of humor has returned, and I just feel like an all-around nice person to be existing in this world today. I think that a part of me knew that that was still there, but I was having a hell of a time trying to find it. Depression, mental illness and disease are all fucking brutal. (Yes, the f-word is ABSOLUTELY necessary on that one!) They will suck you back in at a moment’s notice. Too many times, I’ve been caught unaware, usually by fluctuating hormones. This past time, it was the hormonal imbalance as well as too much damn stress all at once.

I tried my damndest to bring myself out of it as quickly as possible, because I don’t want to live like this. I’m *not* destined for a dark, miserable, solitary confinement the rest of my life. I know this, but damn, it’s hard to break! And I can’t do it by myself. I’d rather rip my own teeth out by tying a string to them and putting the other end to a car than to admit that, but that’s what I realized one long year ago when I finally decided that I needed to go back into therapy. I’ve discovered a lot of things about myself since then, and that’s what’s making it better as I go. Those things were literally ALL I had to hold onto this past week. I fought it, though. I fought the urges, I fought the depression. I knew it wasn’t right, and I knew that there was some part of me that wanted back to the light.

My entire essence has been yearning for the slivers of sunlight that I’ve had in my life, and during this past breakdown, I recognized that, and reached for it as far as I could possibly reach.

And now I’m back.

And life is good. Finally, balance has been restored, and I cannot express how thankful I am for the people in my life that have been with me through this ride. Their strength, and unwavering support for me has carried me through, even when I’ve been ready to give up on myself. This past week, I wasn’t ready to give up on myself, but I saw that I could very easily be.

My husband drives a bus in a college town with a hospital. He told me of an incident yesterday about a man that checked himself into the hospital for depression. This person left for lunch and never returned. They found him later mangled over a bicycle rack from hurling himself over the parking ramp. My heart pours out to him. I feel so bad for him, and his family, the ones that he left in his wake. Perhaps he thought that by checking himself into the hospital, that that was failure. It’s tragic, because that could very well have been the step to bring him back to the light. I don’t know anything about him, not even his name, but that event had an impact on me.

When my husband told me about this poor soul, my first thought was:

“My god, that could have been me. That could have been ME that checked myself in, and couldn’t go on any longer. I would have left my husband without a wife. My parents without a daughter. And I would have left many, many people with a hole that couldn’t be filled.”

I can’t do that.

I know what it’s like to be driven to the edge. I know what it’s like to be at the absolute end of the line, no more rope. I know what staring into the endless void is like, ready to just end it. End all of the suffering, finally and forever. No turning back, just please, oh god, end it now. I can’t escape these things. I’ve got to fix it, and the only way is to just down the bottle of Lexapro. Or Asprin. Or Ibuprofen. Or all of it.

I’ve only really experienced the suicidal thoughts, I’ve never actually acted on the urge, namely because I’ve been in treatment for this sort of thing for a decade. I will say, though, that were it not for an extremely loving and supporting family that got me help when this first started, I would not be here today. And that would be absolute travesty.

It would be tragic because I’ve still got a lot to do in the world. I’ve worked very, very hard to discover several truths about myself over the past year that I had lost in the process of living, and suffocating in my illness. I knew that those truths were there, I had just lost them for awhile. I’d lost them for so long, that truth became story, story became myth, and myth became Forgotten. But I found them, and I’ve worked hard to do so.

That made all the difference.



  1. I’ve suffered from anxiety, too–but not on this scale. I admire your willingness to keep up the good fight.

    Comment by Lori — July 29, 2009 @ 9:14 AM | Reply

  2. It’s in my nature. I won’t give up. I haven’t given up, even in my darkest hours. There has been a part of me that has always pulled myself back to the light. I suppose that that’s what I was born with – a tenacious, unbreakable sense of what it *should* be like, and that I want it.

    Comment by Rachel — July 29, 2009 @ 11:24 AM | Reply

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