Vocabulary Vixen

June 22, 2014

Today is that day…

Filed under: Mental Health,Parenting,Reflections — VocabularyV @ 12:24 AM

What’s the use of a blog if I don’t post on it with some kind of frequency? Two days in a row? Too good to be true!

Today has been THAT kind of day. THAT kind of day where you just want to lay face down in bed; the kind where you just want to curl into a teeny little ball and find the darkest corner of your closet and cry. When The Child has been screaming on and off for 5 hours straight and you can’t put her down for more than 2 seconds without her screaming, there’s a problem. There is a problem when you can’t figure out what The Child needs. You’ve changed her diaper. She’s fed. You’ve tried to (god help you) put her down for a nap. She napped for 20 minutes twice (typical), and now she NEEDS SOMETHING. What, she is unable to tell you. At this point, you are unable to figure it out. You try everything. You walk with her, rock her, shush her, play music for her, attempt to nurse her (she won’t nurse, only scream). Finally you text your significant other (who is wise and ever-wonderful) with the following: “I am losing my shit.”

Yep. That’s been my day.

Fortunately for me, I’ve got a wonderful and supportive partner that will do everything in his power to come to my aid when I need it. Tonight, I needed it. He came home from work to help soothe The Child. Of course, she settled down almost immediately and started having a good old time now that Daddy was home! I am thankful for the blessings that I have in my life, do not get me wrong. When The Child Who Has Been Screaming All Night For Some Unknown Reason suddenly chills the fuck out in her daddy’s presence, that kind of makes Mommy feel like a complete and utter loser. Yep. I feel like complete shit because I don’t know how to calm my child the way he does. I do wonder if every mom or parent feels this way at some point.

There’s this new-ish term that I’ve heard floating around: “Ugly crying.” It makes perfect sense. Why didn’t we have a term for this before recently? I don’t know. What I DO know is that some “ugly crying” has definitely taken place tonight and my face is puffy, and, well, ugly at the moment. I try very hard to keep in mind that she’s just a baby and not to take it personally. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s hard not to take things personally, especially after she’s been wearing you down the entire night. By the time M got home, I was sobbing uncontrollably with her inconsolably screaming in my arms. I guess that’s ugly crying. The part where you’re making hiccuping sobs and can’t see straight.

How am I ever going to raise this child? I guess I’m gonna do it one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, like I’ve done just about everything else in my life. I hope I can raise this child whilst keeping some shred of sanity¬†dignity¬†something.


June 21, 2014

It’s been Awhile!

Blog Re-Boot. Here we go.

Yes, it’s been like 4 years. A lot has happened since then. Here’s the gist: Abusive relationship, left abusive relationship, new guy, new life, new job, my dad died, and recently, a new child! All quite succinct given my previous blog posts. I will probably eventually elaborate on all of these topics, but if I were to start that tonight, I wouldn’t finish for many, many days – even typing 80 wpm or so. So for tonight, I will just lament on what’s been rolling around in my head recently.

I recently got laid off due to budget cuts. (Hence, the time to re-boot my blog!) There were certain factors at play behind the layoffs, but long story short, budget cuts. So, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands lately. Well, as much time as a now 4-month old will allow. Said 4-month old is currently sleeping very lightly on my bed. I am waiting for her to go into a deeper sleep so that I may very gently extricate her from the bed and put her in the crib. The pregnancy and birth of my daughter will also be elaborated upon at some point in the near future.

I LOVE my daughter more than life itself. There is no question about it. I came into this parenthood thing knowing that it would be difficult and trying. Or, at the very least, keeping that in mind without actually having a clue a to what the fuck I was actually in for! Fortunately, she has been “an easy baby”, and I am quite thankful. However, this child is NOT ALWAYS “an easy baby”. HATS OFF to the parents of “difficult” babies. I would have lost my shit ten times over.

With my child, there are days and times where I am TRYING to do OTHER things besides be with my child 24/7. Like the dishes, or EATING FOOD. I try to explain to my dearest little daughter that ‘Mommy needs food. Mommy needs to eat so you can eat.” To no avail. Even so, she will fuss for whatever reason. Yes, I’ll get it out of the way: “How DARE I do something ELSE besides blow raspberries at my daughter!!” For that, I’m a terrible mother. Ha.

Raising children is stressful. I’m not saying anything that hasn’t already been said somewhere out there. This is not new news. I’m here to say: “I get it.” I get the post-partum depression thing (which kicked my ass by the way). The thing that I am about to say might set the internet on fire, but I will be the first to admit that I get exactly why shaken baby syndrome is a thing. It’s a horrible thing. I would never, never, NEVER shake my baby. But, I see why it’s a thing. When the baby is screaming, crying her eyes out for no apparent reason; or even when you’ve got a million other things to do, you’ll be like: “WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!!” And then you’ll feel terrible for being slightly exasperated with an innocent child whose only means of communication is crying. I have had many moments like this. Each and every time, I have had to put my child down for a second and go collect myself in the other room.

Parenthood teaches patience. And keeping your cool when you are frustrated. (NOT just keeping cool to avoid getting the shit beat out of you, but that’s another story for another day). I’m slowly figuring out how to be patient with my screaming child. I look at how I was raised, and though I love my mother dearly, there are some things that were kind of in this “gray area” of “not quite perfect”. (Again, another post for another day). There are certain behaviors that I would like to discontinue in raising my daughter. Boy, that is going to be far easier said than done. Mom, I totally get it. Hopefully, she will have the right mix of not being a total pansy like me and recognize early on that it’s not personal. Hopefully I can keep my goddamned cool. I have not had a great track record of keeping my cool thus far. (M might beg to differ – or not. It’s up to him.) I feel like awareness of my attitudes and behaviors is key – so long as I am conscientious (did I actually spell that one right??) of my feelings and actions.

Writing helps me sort it all out. I’ve written in diaries since I was 12. I still keep a diary to help sort this shit out. I find that when I write, my head is clearer, and I can get all of my thoughts out somewhere so that they are not just bouncing around in my brain, creating this “mental clutter”. (I hate clutter in any form! Another post, though…) Writing is like my pensieve. And I will continue to use it as such.

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