Vocabulary Vixen

June 21, 2014

It’s been Awhile!

Blog Re-Boot. Here we go.

Yes, it’s been like 4 years. A lot has happened since then. Here’s the gist: Abusive relationship, left abusive relationship, new guy, new life, new job, my dad died, and recently, a new child! All quite succinct given my previous blog posts. I will probably eventually elaborate on all of these topics, but if I were to start that tonight, I wouldn’t finish for many, many days – even typing 80 wpm or so. So for tonight, I will just lament on what’s been rolling around in my head recently.

I recently got laid off due to budget cuts. (Hence, the time to re-boot my blog!) There were certain factors at play behind the layoffs, but long story short, budget cuts. So, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands lately. Well, as much time as a now 4-month old will allow. Said 4-month old is currently sleeping very lightly on my bed. I am waiting for her to go into a deeper sleep so that I may very gently extricate her from the bed and put her in the crib. The pregnancy and birth of my daughter will also be elaborated upon at some point in the near future.

I LOVE my daughter more than life itself. There is no question about it. I came into this parenthood thing knowing that it would be difficult and trying. Or, at the very least, keeping that in mind without actually having a clue a to what the fuck I was actually in for! Fortunately, she has been “an easy baby”, and I am quite thankful. However, this child is NOT ALWAYS “an easy baby”. HATS OFF to the parents of “difficult” babies. I would have lost my shit ten times over.

With my child, there are days and times where I am TRYING to do OTHER things besides be with my child 24/7. Like the dishes, or EATING FOOD. I try to explain to my dearest little daughter that ‘Mommy needs food. Mommy needs to eat so you can eat.” To no avail. Even so, she will fuss for whatever reason. Yes, I’ll get it out of the way: “How DARE I do something ELSE besides blow raspberries at my daughter!!” For that, I’m a terrible mother. Ha.

Raising children is stressful. I’m not saying anything that hasn’t already been said somewhere out there. This is not new news. I’m here to say: “I get it.” I get the post-partum depression thing (which kicked my ass by the way). The thing that I am about to say might set the internet on fire, but I will be the first to admit that I get exactly why shaken baby syndrome is a thing. It’s a horrible thing. I would never, never, NEVER shake my baby. But, I see why it’s a thing. When the baby is screaming, crying her eyes out for no apparent reason; or even when you’ve got a million other things to do, you’ll be like: “WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!!” And then you’ll feel terrible for being slightly exasperated with an innocent child whose only means of communication is crying. I have had many moments like this. Each and every time, I have had to put my child down for a second and go collect myself in the other room.

Parenthood teaches patience. And keeping your cool when you are frustrated. (NOT just keeping cool to avoid getting the shit beat out of you, but that’s another story for another day). I’m slowly figuring out how to be patient with my screaming child. I look at how I was raised, and though I love my mother dearly, there are some things that were kind of in this “gray area” of “not quite perfect”. (Again, another post for another day). There are certain behaviors that I would like to discontinue in raising my daughter. Boy, that is going to be far easier said than done. Mom, I totally get it. Hopefully, she will have the right mix of not being a total pansy like me and recognize early on that it’s not personal. Hopefully I can keep my goddamned cool. I have not had a great track record of keeping my cool thus far. (M might beg to differ – or not. It’s up to him.) I feel like awareness of my attitudes and behaviors is key – so long as I am conscientious (did I actually spell that one right??) of my feelings and actions.

Writing helps me sort it all out. I’ve written in diaries since I was 12. I still keep a diary to help sort this shit out. I find that when I write, my head is clearer, and I can get all of my thoughts out somewhere so that they are not just bouncing around in my brain, creating this “mental clutter”. (I hate clutter in any form! Another post, though…) Writing is like my pensieve. And I will continue to use it as such.

August 11, 2009

The good, the bad, and the in-between

I’ve been taking it easy, trying to slow down, relax, and figure out what makes me tick, vs. what turns me into a bomb.

Right now, I am positively bored out of my skull and my brain is actively gnawing on itself to keep occupied. This is an odd sensation, but one that I must confront and deal with, because life isn’t all about “The Next Thing.” It’s about living now. If I spend the rest of my life shooting for these goals of making X dollars per year, buying a house, having 2.3 children and a white picket fence, sure, that’s grand and all, but it’s not going to make me happy in the long run. Why am I so pessimistic on this one? I am 1.5 years post-grad in a college town that’s saturated with BA’s, and though I work damn near a 40 hour work week, it’s not in my career field, and, and, and, I guess that I just assumed when I got out of college, life would be better. I would make more money being a degreed individual, and I would make ends meet on a regular basis.

Hello, Reality.

Reality is something different. It’s been something that I’ve had to come face-to-face with over this past year and a half, and I’ve narrowed things down to a few basic ideas: Living for the future is great, but now is what’s important. It’s okay to have goals and strive for them, but losing myself in the process deflates these highs of achievement pretty quickly. I’ll achieve a large goal, say finish college or get promoted, and once the high of getting what I shot for wears off, I’m left with a gnawing, empty void. A gnawing, empty void that I’ve filled desperately in the past with 100 extracurricular activities, all in the name of “When I get X, I’ll have life on Easy Street, and I’ll be able to relax and have fun!” The truth of the matter is, I don’t relax. I haven’t “just relaxed” for awhile, unless my brain has forced me to do so in the form of a screaming, crying mess. I don’t know how to just relax, and the sad part is that I don’t know how to “just relax” and be happy while doing so. Hell, I don’t even know how to be happy at this point, but I sure as hell am trying!

I’ve really had to force my efforts inward, and what I’ve found is kind of disturbing. I’ve had to deal with these issues, behaviors, thoughts, and patterns and face them head-on. I am trying to figure out how to manage my illnesses and come out on top. I am taking an active stand against these crappy patterns and behaviors, and standing up for my right to be a happy, healthy, and functional individual.

Last night, I had to physically force my obsessions out of my head. I imagined a bulldozer clearing away the imaginary dirt, germs, bugs, and cat hair in order to give my brain a clean slate to work with. It took quite a bit of physical and mental effort to do this. But y’know what? It’s me taking a stand against these relentless obsessions and negativity in my life in the name of something better. It is a Herculean battle that I wage, but I’m stepping it up. I’m winning.

Part of winning is recognizing how bored my brain actually gets, and what the hell to do about it. What I’m going to do about it is something that I’m actively working on, day in and day out. I’m really trying to find the balance of what’s too much activity and what’s not enough. Obviously, I can’t constantly be burning the candle on both ends. That never works, and it always leads to a breakdown. I’m pretty well working full-time at the coffee shop, and that suits me just fine for the moment. I would prefer a little more income, but using that as my overriding motivation for EVERYTHING doesn’t really work, either.

When I do finally find the balance of mental health and wellness, I’ll be sure to let the world know. That will be the day that David kicks the shit out of Goliath.

July 7, 2009

Tick tick tick tick tick…

Filed under: Mental Health,Parenting,Pregnancy — VocabularyV @ 8:39 PM

…That is the sound of my biological clock drumming in my ears that deafening drum that only happens when biological countdown begins. I never thought that I would see the day. I was honestly just fine in the world without having to think about such things as procreating and feeling this urge to procreate. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT?!

…The *really* funny thing is that this thing hit all of the sudden. I was doing just fine in my dark little child-hating universe (okay, I didn’t actually hate kids, I just didn’t relish the thought of a screaming poop machine taking up my valuable time working at a coffee shop, tending an internet addiction, and playing video games, that’s all. Talk about a cramp in my style!) and last October over the course of about two days, I found myself full-force pedal-to-the-metal READY to have a baby. RIGHT NOW. As it turns out, that was a likely birth control failure (DON’T FORGET TO TAKE YOUR PILLS!!!!!!), and then subsequent miscarriage in November. Since then, I’ve realized something that a lot of parents out there realize, and despite the nasty looks from us young ‘uns that don’t know any better about life in general, that children are generally okay! In fact, they are a wonderful blessing, and can be the light of life!

So I had that miscarriage. One of the most painful losses ever, even if it was so early on. And I had to spend the next six or seven months trying to piece together and put into perspective my life as a whole and what it means to me. That’s extensive even for me to go into great detail about, but the basic thing is that I’m just interested in a peaceful, happy existence. If that takes medication to do it (it does), then so be it. I’ve got some fucked up brain chemistry, nothing more. I never learned the skills to properly cope with life. And it just plain is what it is.

On the other hand, I’m only 26 and I’ve had a decade-long running start on getting to this point in my life. Why? Because my parents care for me deeply. There have been some bumps along the way, including a family history if mental illness and disease, but generally, my parents are two kind, caring, loving individuals that I would literally give my life for. My parents love me so much that when they finally heard my cries for help they took me straight to the hospital. My dad left his job in Florida THAT DAY to drive home and help me. He went on family leave and they later axed him, but the important thing was that my dad came home. Just for me. They have always been there for me, and it counts. It is because of them I am where I am today, and I have reached the turning point in my battle.

It took me a long time to see that. It took me a long time to drain the poison from my soul so I could see beyond the shroud of despair. When one is in the thick of the storm, it’s hard to see around it. And I’ve spent a lot of time in the thick of it, or running from it. Trying to avoid it by keeping myself so busy that I didn’t have to think about it. Throwing myself at too many activities at any one given time so I didn’t have to slow down and think about all of the pain that has been wrought in my life.

I have learned a lot getting to this point, but I feel that there is much more to learn. As I seriously think about how to wrap my head around this idea about being responsible for another human being, I am just thankful that I am being treated for my illness, and I am working through my issues. I am also thankful to be surrounded by people who love me, even if they’ve got interesting ways of showing it.

ALL of this has cleared the way in my brain to listen to the pleasant and rhythmic ticking of my biological clock. It’s not a bad thing. It just is, and that’s okay. How I’ll actually handle the nine months of hell and then the rest of my life being responsible for another human being is beyond me. My hope is that since I’ve been given this head start of taking care of myself and my issues, it will be easier to be a parent, and much easier to lead by example than it would have been had I bore children earlier in life.

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